Bobby Hendrix

This place is the nouveau riche of bars. It wants to look quite fancy and posh, but it’s actually kind of crappy and tacky. It’s all artifice, no substance. There’s our weird snobbery for the day out of the way.

Finding the bar is a chore to begin with; they’ve got almost no signage and no outside lighting. They’ve only been open a few months, so we’ll assume they’re working on that. When we asked the bartender about the goofy name she told us, “One of the owners is named ‘Bobby’ and the other…maybe likes Jimmi Hendrix?” So, there you go.

It’s quite dark in the bar with lots of shiny bits and purple accent lighting. There are some poor, sad fish in an aquarium above the bar. They have a fairly limited liquor selection and a list of cocktails that no sane person should want to drink. If you’re looking for an insane sugar rush, they’ve got it for you. They’ll also serve your Miller Lite in a frosted glass so cold that it gives your beer a slushy head. Fancy.

We’ll give them that their sliders were good. Their menu says that they won Best Burger in 2012 and 2013, but they’ve only been open a few months according to the bartender. Shenanigans! They were quite tasty, though, with buns slathered in delicious butter. Insert your own butter slathered buns joke here.

We are probably coming down harder on this bar than it deserves. If you want the pretense of being fancy and a super sweet cocktail, this is a great place. The bathrooms are a pretty great example of the place, though. When you walk in, they look really nice. Then you try to use them and find that the stall door doesn’t latch at all and the fancy glass vessel sink shoots water all over your crotch.

Address:	2019 East Carson St, 15203 http://www.bobbyhendrixpgh.com/	Games:	None
Façade:	Scary	Scene:	Upscale D-bag
Parking:	Wear Walking Shoes	Patio/Outdoor:	No
Kitchen:	Fancy Bar Food	Cleanliness:	Normal
Smoking:	None	Jukebox:	Internet Crap
Hours:	6pm-2am	Cig Machine:	No
Drink Prices:	Richie Rich	# taps:	6
Bathrooms:	Sit	Specials:	None
Live music:	Never	Riley Factor:	$14.00
ATM:	No	Cash Only	No
TVs:	5	Size:	Normal

Tad's on East Carson

Speaking of South-Side-Dude-Bros, we have found their secret nesting ground and witnessed their bizarre reproduction ritual. When we walked into Tad’s we knew right away we had found something special. Could it be the mythical South-Side-Dude-Bro nesting grounds?! We were excited as we took our seats and began observing the nowhere near endangered South-Side-Dude-Bros in their natural element. What we saw next shocked and amazed us. Fueled by a steady diet of $1 beers and $2 bombs, and using all the appropriate South-Side-Dude-Bro language and hand greetings, they turned their baseball caps just so, and then, right before our eyes, they started to split in two. Dude Bro Mitosis! We knew it!

If anyone knows of any scientific journals that would be likely to publish our findings, please submit them to us. We feel like this is an important scientific discovery that may lead to controlling the South-Side-Dude-Bro population.  Please have your South-Side-Dude-Bro spayed or neutered.


What else happened at Tad's? Girls were bored by their South-Side-Dude-Bro boyfriends, shots were served in the abominable ranch dressing cups, we felt super ancient, and one random old dude tried his luck with a young lady bored to tears by her own South-Side-Dude-Bro.

Address:	1109 East Carson St, 15203 http://tadsoneastcarson.com/	Games:	Pool, Darts, Pinball, Magic Touch
Façade:	A Little Scary	Scene:	South-Side-Bro-Dude
Parking:	Wear Walking Shoes	Patio/Outdoor:	No
Kitchen:	Bar Food	Cleanliness:	Normal
Smoking:	Some	Jukebox:	Internet Crap
Hours:	-2am	Cig Machine:	Yes
Drink Prices:	Dirt Cheap	# taps:	4
Bathrooms:	Hover	Specials:	$1 beers and $2 bombs
Live music:	Never	Riley Factor:	$8.00, but $7 "for us"
ATM:	No	Cash Only	No
TVs:	7	Size:	Normal

Easy Street

It is 7:30 on a Friday night. Let us repeat, 7:30 on a Friday night. We walk in and find some seats at the moderately crowded bar. The outside patio is packed and there is an acoustic guitar guy. Strangely, people do not seem to be avoiding the acoustic guitar guy. Who are these strange beasts? We purposefully situate ourselves as far as possible from the acoustic guitar guy. 

After a long time, we are finally approached and our drink orders are taken. We then ask for menus and are told "Sorry, the kitchen is closed." This takes us back. "Wait, at 7:30 with a bar full of people you decided to close your kitchen?"  The bartend replies, "Yeah."  "When do you close your kitchen?" we ask. "Whenever we feel like it," he replies. So, that was strike three and we quickly ask for our check and finish our stats as quickly as possible.

Overall impression: if you are an older rich guy who wants a young trophy girlfriend, this may be

your place! We saw at least four couples with a 20+ year age difference doing their thing. If you are the kind of guy who thinks he can pull off a tight t-shirt and a sports jacket, this may be your place. We have bad news for you though; you look like a total douchebag. You are neither Crockett nor Tubbs, my friend.

This place is huge with a gigantic outside seating area. We assume it is not always contaminated with the smooth jams of an acoustic guitar. The interior looks like some generic Panama Jack display. The menu looked really good, which is why we went there to start our night. We did not end up eating properly until 1AM as a result of this, which might have influenced some of our other experiences that night. We hold Easy Street personally responsible for all subsequent shenanigans on the night of August 16th.

Address:	One Oxford Center, 15219    http://www.easystreetpittsburgh.com/	Games:	None
Façade:	Not Scary	Scene:	Yuppie, D-bag
Parking:	Easy	Patio/Outdoor:	Yes
Kitchen:	Mysteriously Closed	Cleanliness:	Nice
Smoking:	None	Jukebox:	Acoustic Guitar Guy
Hours:	Mysterious	Cig Machine:	No
Drink Prices:	Richie Rich	# taps:	16
Bathrooms:	Sit	Specials:	Happy Hour
Live music:	Sometimes	Riley Factor:	$15.00
ATM:	No	Cash Only	No
TVs:	6	Size:	Friggin' Huge

Mario's South Side/Blue Lou's

To save us time, sanity, and to keep us from writing "this is a typical South Side bar" over and over, we're taking a different approach: haiku. Assume everything you know about the South Side to be true, our haiku will fill in the gaps.

smoking in Blue Lou's
smoke-free in Mario's
both full of douchebags

Address:	1510-1514 East Carson St, 15203    http://www.mariospgh.com/southside/	Games:	Pool, Darts
Façade:	Not Scary	Scene:	Serious D-Bags
Parking:	Wear Walking Shoes	Patio/Outdoor:	No
Kitchen:	Bar Food	Cleanliness:	Normal
Smoking:	None in Mario's, Some in Blue Lou's	Jukebox:	Internet Crap
Hours:	11am-2am	Cig Machine:	No
Drink Prices:	Average	# taps:	10
Bathrooms:	Sit	Specials:	Nightly
Live music:	Sometimes	Riley Factor:	$7.00
ATM:	No	Cash Only	No
TVs:	A Lot	Size:	Friggin' Huge

SkyBar

Apparently there is a pool bar on a roof in the South Side. Who knew?! We did not. We were kind of shocked and amazed. It just opened in June of this year. We were wandering down Carson Street, and stopped to ask the door guy what kind of place it was. He invited us to go up and check it out. We probably are not their target audience, but it was a slow and chilly Sunday night and our money is as good as anyone’s.

As you can see in the pictures, it was worth our climb up to see it. We were greeted with a nice view of the city, plush seating areas, and of course, the main attraction: a rooftop pool. The bar fits perfectly with the theme and is staffed exclusively by young girls in bikinis.

One bikini clad bartender had to keep warming herself by the fire pit. It was an unseasonably cold July day. We had a very nice talk with another bartender who had smartly put on a hoodie. She gave us a rundown of the operation and how it works.

It opens like a normal pool during the day and has very strict capacity standards. You can get a membership to this place which gets you priority admission. They'll let you in if you aren't a member, but apparently there can be a line to get in on a hot summer day. On Friday and Saturday nights they place a giant glass cover over the pool which increases the amount of people they are allowed to let into the space and probably helps their insurance rates substantially. Drunk people and pools sound fun to people, but not to insurance companies.

We would love to rent this place out for a private party, which you can do. No one was swimming when we were there so we can't say what this place is like during the day or on a weekend night. We are pretty sure it is a huge meat market. If that is your thing, you should definitely check this place out. If not, it is totally worth it to drop by on a random week night. It is a sight to see.

Address:	1605 East Carson St, 15203    http://www.skybarpgh.com/	Games:	Swimming pool
Façade:	Not Scary	Scene:	Sleazy Pool Party
Parking:	Wear Walking Shoes	Patio/Outdoor:	Yes
Kitchen:	Bar Food	Cleanliness:	Normal
Smoking:	None	Jukebox:	None
Hours:	Th 6pm-2am, Fri-Sat 12pm-2am,  Sun 12pm-close	Cig Machine:	No
Drink Prices:	Average	# taps:	0
Bathrooms:	Sit	Specials:	Nightly
Live music:	DJs at night	Riley Factor:	$8.00
ATM:	No	Cash Only	No
TVs:	0	Size:	Normal

Casey's Draft House

To save us time, sanity, and to keep us from writing "this is a typical South Side bar" over and over, we're taking a different approach: haiku. Assume everything you know about the South Side to be true, our haiku will fill in the gaps.

loads of tequilas

too bad you're the "midget" bar
so we just hate you

Address:	1811 East Carson St, 15203    http://www.caseysdrafthouse.com/	Games:	Boxing, Darts, Golden Tee
Façade:	Not Scary	Scene:	Tequila and Beer
Parking:	Wear Walking Shoes	Patio/Outdoor:	No
Kitchen:	Bar Food	Cleanliness:	Normal
Smoking:	Some	Jukebox:	Internet Crap
Hours:	11am-2am	Cig Machine:	Yes
Drink Prices:	Average	# taps:	24
Bathrooms:	Sit	Specials:	Daily
Live music:	Never	Riley Factor:	$8.50
ATM:	Yes	Cash Only	No
TVs:	7	Size:	Normal